Under Pressure

I’ve been thinking ~big shock there, eh?~ about myself ’cause I’m introspective and such, and I just kind of figured out I tend to crack under pressure. A lot.

Like every time I’ve ever cried is ’cause I coldn’t deal with the pressure. Maybe that’s why I’m so screwed up today. I mean I’ve been sad, but because I was cracking under pressure.

Crazy.

Really, like this year everybody is putting all this pressure on us ninth graders ’cause this is the year that counts and all that bloody stupid shit no one really wants to hear. Seriously has no one noticed how fucking pressurizing that buliding is when you have thirty people breathing down your neck to do well?

It’s actually rather like a pressure cooker.

And it sucks.

Believe it or no, I’m not easily motivated. I’m not lazy, but really what’s the point of working hard in school when I already have and understanding nearly equal to that of people like Ghandi. I’m pretty much too in-sync with the bloody universe to care much about such a petty thing as school.

If I could, I’d never work a day in an office of any kind. I’d rather make my way through life living off the land and selling stuff at crafts fairs.

I don’t know why anyone would expect someone like me to be able to concentrate in school. I’m too busy analyzing things and how people work, what your mind is trying to tell you, but you can’t decipher, stuff like that.

I’d rather sit outside and stare at a tree than learn about that tree.

Really, I never really get angry. I kinda accept my fate, and most people seem to get that.

Yeah, yeah. I know I was not like this two years ago or even two weeks ago, two hours ago. You know why? 

 THINGS HAPPEN.

Everything that happens to you changes you. EVER-Y-THING.

‘Cause everything leads to something. If you leave a comment, it could change the entire course of a day for either of us.

Now don’t start thinking that just ’cause I’ve completely accepted my fate, that I don’t have emotions. Who dosen’t? It’s human. It’s pretty much fate.

So yeah, I’ll crack under pressure, I’ll cry, I’ll laugh, I’ll get angry, I’ll want to kill someone, I’ll feel uplifted.

I’ll just accept that its happening.

….Haha, Changed you life!!….

To Those Who Think I need to Fuck Off….

YOU FUCK OFF.

I have enough going on without all of you ragging on me. I mean really the last 365 days of my life have been hell.

You don’t even know half of it.

Really, none of you do, no one does, ’cause I never tell anyone. Ever.

Which is why I have so many anonymous blogs.

Seriously I’ve been under so much stress lately I won’t let anyone but me and my family touch my food if I will later be eating it.

So I don’t know if it’s the depression or the meds kicking in that’s screwing with my head but I just freak out.

Some of you may remember my little debate issue.

I never get that angry. I never have ~other than this one time…~ been that angry at someone~s~ for nothing.

So for all of you that think I need to fuck off and let you live your lives, fuck you.

I can’t let you guys get hurt.  It’s how I work, ok?

All I currently have are my friends, my music, my books, and my blogs.

So fuck-you and leave me alone. I’m withdrawn from people enough.~depression thing~

Wait, on second thought maybe I will just leave everyone alone. God knows it will make my life a hell of a lot easier.

So fuck you I’m cutting off my connection to the world, good job everyone, Bravo!

~Depression kicking in.~

Untitled

I remember this day, this, this, terrifying day.

I can’t understand why it was so terrifying to me, but for some reason it just got to me. It’s odd ’cause it happened so long ago but it just hit me now.

 It was sometime in summer, late summer, like a few weeks before we went to school or something and my family got this new van.

An actual new car for my family is a big deal, so we decided to drive up to Devil’s tower. Nothing of much significance happened that day but as we were driving, there was this…guy on a motorbike with a woman and a white car in front of them and all of the sudden this white car just stops there in the middle of the road.

Naturally, motorbike guy swerved to avoid it, and went of the road into a ditch.

This ditch, however, had a fence at the bottom. Barbed wire. The M.G was going at least 80.

My dad just slams on the breaks and won’t let us get out ’cause he knows, if those people hit that fence….well I won’t go into that.

And I obviously am not stupid and I knew that at the time. I refused to tell the twins. So we just sort of sat there cursing the white car out and stuff until theose people crawl out of the ditch.

It looked odd by then, twelve old guys and gals on motorbikes and a blue minivan with two sobbing people embracing each-other like lifelines.

It was….frigging crazy. Then my dad was like “You sure know how to crash a bike!” ~this coming from the man who tried to jump the Kansas river on his~ Then my parents get in of the car and we drive off leaving the dentist-bikers behind and going on our way still cursing that damned white car.

 It’s weird huh? How tragedies and almost-tragedies, instead of alienating people as one might expect logically, it brings them together. Drawing in strangers and acquaintances for comfort.

Human nature is a curious thing.

It seems tragedies are to humans as light-bulbs are to moths.

Sometimes I wonder if its all part of the grand scheme, if and when the world ends, will survivors somehow be drawn together from across plains and seas?

I guess life will find a way, eh? It always does.

Is it weird to have a teddy bear at 15?

Yes, I admit, I have a teddy bear. He’s brown with flopy plaid ears and feet. I’m turning 15 in october and I still have a teddy bear. Seriously, he like never leaves my bed, or at least my room. Whatever. I don’t know if i still have him ’cause I have abandonment issues or what, but I do know that  i must look pretty weird sitting here hugging a huge stuffed bear in my emo-attire. And if none of you have styuffed animals, I probably just made myself look like a loser.

Oh well.

I prefer to be that than some MTV wanna be.~they freak me out maaaaaaan~

The Secret’s in the Telling

I don’t seem to understand what the universe has against me.

 I mean, if you look at it from my POV, the powers that be must hate me.

 Lets, say, review here.

 First event in the past year, my aunt dies of drug overdose and the “case” is investigated by CSI. Then there’s the whole “my best friend was a whore” thing last year in eighth. Which eventually led to my depression and suicidal thoughts, along with the “creation” of my good Friend Jacob.

Note here that Jacob is in no way real. I totally made him up completely.We did not meet over the summer, his dad was not a drunk, he was not terrified, he did not have some odd thing with Roman myths, he did not play guitar, he never burnt his hand on the stove, he did not drink and drive, and he did not die. All because Jacob was not real.

 O yes, then there was the whole “I always like guys I can’t talk to” sitauation which I would really rather not speak of in a public blog. Well, not this particular situation. Lets just say that “he” introduced himself to me on the last day of school even thoughwe had dated for like a week. Screw him.

Then my Dad was in the hospital for almost forever because his heart is barmy, or was, and while he was my sisters went yo Utah on a Gear Up trip.

 I don’t know who’ll be reading this, though I’m pretty sure Alex will be, so don’t chastize me for what I’m about to tell you, ok? On this gear up trip, I, for the record, was dating Cameron. ~*Gulp* remember your promise!!~ so yeah, I kind of just a little bit…uh…cheated on him?

 NOTHING DRASTIC I swear I didn’t do anything at all I just…you know how it is with me I’m the most insecure person on the planet and he was….a lying decieving bastard. ~for the record, I f**king hate him.~

So long story short, dumped Cameron, realized what a mistake I made ’cause, well basically he~Cameron~ was the one I thought about before I fell asleep, and then dumped the dick, was single, asked Cameron out again ’cause I’m an idiot, took me back dated for a few months.

 No wonder the powers that be hate me right, I’m a terrible person! *sob* I always tell people I’m trustworthy, which I am, with secrets, don’t get me wrong, but then I go and do some stupid shit like that. What the hell is wrong with me?

 O yeah, then I found out Cameron was cheating on me for like a month before i dumped him. For those of you attending CCA, you might remember my little…episode that lasted a week. Partialy his fault, the whole “I’m just not good enough for this world” My grades dropped, that was part of it, my MP3 plyer went screwy, which broke my heart.

My favorite unsigned band broke up, broke my heart, Harry Potter is OVER, the one thing I’ve had to cling to over the years. It was like everything went wrong all at once you know?

Want to know the really sad part?

I still like Cameron. Just a little bit.

Music- Dashboard Confessional- Stolen