Why???

I don’t understand why I am so confused. I mean, I’m never like how I am now, or never have been before. It’s all really unnnerving. All my friends say he’s not worth it, or I’m too good for him or whatever, but they don’t actually know him. And usually they would be right about that.

But here I am, a month after ~or so~ and I’m still confused.

I mean this has happened once before and I dumped his ass for good and never gave it a second thought, so why in hell is this situation different? Ugh, are you getting my drift yet?

And of course some think I only still like him because I want a bf, but I’m not even sure. It’s like people are telling me what I’m feeling. So if I’m confused, how can I tell if something is real or not? 

IT’S SO DAMN FRUSTRATING!!

Either my friends are right and I’m fooling myself into believe somthing untrue, or they are wrong and I really do like him.

I thought ~a few weeks ago~ that we’d never speak again and I’d live on with life thinking he was scum, but now it’s like he’s actually tired of me hating him. Or something.

And I can’t stand  how he looks at me sometimes. No kidding. It sucks. Like he’s guilty or sorry or something unidentifiable by my limited vocabulary.

And then there’s the whole “I kind of like a guy I hardly know” thing, but he’s cool and has awesome hair ~goes to KW~ and well, you know how it goes. Or maybe you don’t ,but I am NOT going to ecplain it because if you’ve never met someone you hardly know and like them, A]you’ve never been to the library with 13 people or B] you dont meet new people a lot. ~or C]ou’re not as amazing as I am, jk~

Ugh, so I’m am unusually confused~unaturally confused~ and I don’t know who i can trust to tell me the truth. About me, about him, about how fate is screwing with my head to see me suffer, whatever.

I just need some help.

How Does He Do This to Me???

I just don’t understand how someone as….

Oh, who am I kidding?

Ok, so most, or some of you,  know about my cheating lying bastard ex boyfriend, Cameron.

Well I’ve been seeing him around all the time lately, including earlier this night, at the library’s movie thingy.

Ok, first things first is that I must admit to myself that I still kind of…you know…like him. Also that I also kind of liked ~just a little bit~ this guy from KW that is Amanda’s friend’s older brother. ~who was at the library today too, just not the movie~

Yeah, so as I think I’ve posted in another blog a few days ago, I believe that Cameron keeps looking at me like he’s sorry or sad or something ~like at book club~ and then when I look at him, he kind of looks away.

So skipping over the unimportant parts of the library ~including Amanda’s movie, unimportant to my point, sorry~ we were all downstaris and watching “Freedom Writers” ~shockingly a freaking good movie too~ and blah blah, Camreon sat at the back, the orange one and Ricky-D were there, blah.

At the end of the movie we were all standing around with our raffle tickets and stuff, putting up chairs.

So then the orange one decides to act somewhat like Spencer by poking me in the ribs and shit like tsthat, so of course I’m runnign around trying to escape him ~Cameron so helpfully commenting on Orange Ones trying to rape me, which Is odd ’cause I said the same thing about Spencer…~

And yeah, it goes on like that ~probably looking like we were flirting or w/e, not true, I like Orange on about as much as I do Fran-K~ and then everyone is outside acting like the usual pg-13 yr. olds we are.

And then after almost everyone had left, including Amanda and her friends, Jenn is telling Orange One and Cameron to leave ~they had to walk~ and I am asked to give Orange on a hug, so I do ~he promised not to be like Spencer~  and then he told me:

“Ok, now hug Cameron.”

Cameron who replied:

“Nah,man she hates me.”

And I said so nicely that I did and I’m sorry, but yes I do. He~Cameron~ told me he didn’t even get a chance to explain and that he would, just around anyone but Orange One. So I shooed away dearest Spencer-clone and he said something along the lines of:~btw, he said he wanted to tell me~

“It was because of lack of communication.”

“So that’s why you cheated on me? I mean you could have at least called.”

“No, I honestly did lose your number and I thought you had mine.”

So then my mother came in the van ~worst timing ever, eh?~ and i told him I had to go.

“Do you still hate me?”

…”Less.”

“Bye Orange one!”…”Bye Cameron.”

So including the whole “Bet thing”, which either was just an excuse to hide his true emotions and still get to ask me out ~which makes us even more scarily alike~ or he’s just and ass. ~Maybe I don’t really think he is.~

God, I don’t know about him anymore. It’s weird how alike we are in off and on things, but sometimes it seems like…we both want to talk about it but neither of us are brave enough.

*Sighs*

I guess I have some thinking to do, huh?

I just don’t know if I should give him another chance or not I’m saying.

‘Cause I still like him.

And I don’t know why.

And It’s terrifying.

Eek, Katherine!

Ok so some of you know my…eccentric friend Kate.

Kate called me earlier today ~big shock,eh?~ and I was utterly surprised to hear about her new boyfriend. Who happenes to be Alan Shanklan the saxamophone man or something I don’t know his last name so well but he’s emo and last time I checked cheated on like 3 people at once.

I mean, I don’t hate him for it, but I’m just saying he could do it again.

So Kate is all happy about it ~they got in trouble for making out in the hall at KW~ and said I quote “ I haven’t stopped smiling since he asked me”

So she’s incredibly happy ~for now~ which is amazing for her ’cause…well you ~some of you~ know kate and so I’m estatic but what if he cheats on her again?

How succkish would that be?

The thing is though is that he told her about the incident, so is that like luring her into a flase sense of security?

I don’t know and advice from any of you geniusus?

‘Cause I got nothin. All I did was tell her about it.